Every Cloud

There’s no question that one of the most popular tattoos at present time is the neck tattoo.  The neck tattoo has a lengthy history – one that used to signify a massive step for its bearer.  The neck tattoo was the icing on the cake, the tattoo that only the truly committed and hardcore got.  It used to be that if you had a neck tattoo, you were either a tattooist, in a band or just a badass motherfucker.

Today, while there are still plenty of old hardcores out there with the better parts of their necks covered, neck tattoos are becoming increasingly associated with hipsters.  The badass neck tattoo has been replaced by the cutesy neck tattoo and the otherwise completely non-threatening neck tattoo.  It’s definitely a sore point (no pun intended) for many, but if you think seeing a latte sucking, fixie riding, ironic moustache sporting, neck tattooed, hipster D-bag is irritating, I’ve got news for you, because this takes the cake:

Although only in patent form (which apparently means that the odds of it actually happening are slim at best), Google’s outside noise dampening/lie detecting electronic throat tattoo makes dilettante hipsters look like a welcome relief.  The explanation for it isn’t really all that clear, but it’s more than enough to tell me that it could be quite possibly one of the worst ideas ever.

”Communication can be reasonably improved” by the application of an electronic throat tattoo, which could dampen “acoustic noise.”
But it’s not just a noise-canceling microphone for your telephone! The tattoo can do more. It can have a display that lights up under certain conditions.
And the other kind of noise that gets introduced into conversations is lies! Bad data. So, the electronic skin tattoo can detect those, too.
“Optionally, the electronic skin tattoo can further include a galvanic skin response detector to detect skin resistance of a user,” the patent reads. “It is contemplated that a user that may be nervous or engaging in speaking falsehoods may exhibit different galvanic skin response than a more confident, truth telling individual.”‘

So let’s recap here: we’ve got a possible product that can “dampen” acoustic noise while you do your talking on the phone, but also indicate whether or not you’re telling lies, all while resting stylishly on your neck in the form of a “tattoo”.  Sounds perfect.  I can sincerely say that I hope this product never, ever, ever becomes a reality.  I would rather see a billion and one cupcake/unicorn/teddy bear/ironic neck tattoos on an entire army’s worth of hipsters before I ever have to stomach the reality of even one person wearing this piece of garbage.

Sometimes it takes the possibility of something horrible to make you realise that things currently aren’t that bad.